Spiderman 3 Reviewed - Spoilers  

Posted by Ryan Sproull in


Symbiotic suit
Turning Spiderman emo.
Bring on the church bell.


The scene. Sam Raimi is sitting in his study, tapping away at his laptop, trying to work out the details of his script for Spiderman 3. After two excellent movies, he's feeling the pressure and expectation from the fans.

"An alien symbiote... becomes a suit..." he mutters to himself. On the couch, his teenage daughter texts some cute boys. She has no idea that they're only hitting on her in the hopes of meeting Bruce Campbell.

"But what does the suit do?" Sam asks himself. Something contemporary. Something hip. Something Sam was those many years ago. He turns to his daughter. "Honey, what do you call that thing that those kids do, with the boys all wearing make-up and looking like they're real sad about being able to afford make-up?"

Girly Raimi sighs. "Emo, Dad. GOD!" She storms out of the room.

"Of course!" cries Sam. "The alien symbiote becomes a suit that turns Spiderman emo!"

He pauses.

"And it evolved on a planet WHERE THERE WERE NO BELLS!" Sam's on a roll. More cocaine! It's time to finish the script!

How does Harry learn that Spiderman didn't kill his dad? "The... butler, who we've never seen in the previous two movies! After years of watching Harry turn into a bitter, revenge-driven murderer, the butler finally decides it's time to tell him that knows for a fact that Spiderman didn't kill his dad."

What about the traditional argument with MJ? "Harry will threaten Peter Parker's life, and it'll never even remotely occur to her that Peter Parker is FUCKING SPIDERMAN and can probably handle himself."

How to really threaten Spiderman? "Venom will arbitrarily team up with Sandman, who will arbitrarily become a murderous villain, totally out of character, and try to kill Spiderman!"

And so on.

And so on.

But Bruce Campbell was awesome.

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 6 at Sunday, May 06, 2007 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

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